Knowing You Are Truly Happier
For those who do not know me, I am a huge supporter of mental health awareness and advocacy. For many years and up until recently I suffered from chronic depression. Even quite recently, at the beginning of 2018 I had fallen into a very deep depression from being ill to going through a difficult and deeply personal heartbreak. My business was suffering. My body was suffering and frankly, I wanted to die.
In a few months, I had done for myself what I was unable to do in years, which was to cure my depression. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get sad or have moments, but I took a good hard look at my life and I started looking into not what and how I was feeling, but why I was feeling that way. I analyzed every situation. During this time I started taking my meditation more seriously. I began reading more about the Law of Attraction and Quantum Physics. I went back to my Leadership notes and projects from 2016. And I started to focus on the feelings. I stopped blaming others and situations for what I was feeling and accepted my own part in those emotions. Where was I placing my energy and why was it negative?
During this time I also focused on the people in my life. When I was I around certain people how did I feel? Sometimes people say the right things but have you ever been around someone who says the right things, but you still feel uneasy or unhappy and you can’t pinpoint why? If I felt that way I distanced myself from that person, no questions asked. You see, it doesn’t matter how long you know a person, if they are a friend, family, or an acquaintance, your body can sense things that can’t be seen. I began to trust my gut.
Every night I would make a gratitude list. If I felt jealous at any moment I would write down three reasons why I was incredibly blessed. All of a sudden everything started to feel better. Even “bad days” weren’t so bad because every day I was grateful. Every day something good happened. Every day I knew I was one step closer to a new goal.
In my opinion, we get tested over time to see if we are really evolving and changing or if it is a front. My test happened a few days ago when a former friend posted a comment on an opinion status I had written. Her comment was, of course, her own opinion, but it was dismissive of my post and implied a lack of maturity for demanding a certain level of
respect in terms of expecting people to get not only my name correct but other people’s as well. Anyone who knows me knows that my whole life, I have had my name misspelled, mispronounced or disregarded by many people. As an adult, I ensure they get it right. It isn’t the biggest of deals, but it is for me because for so long I was too shy or embarrassed to ever correct anyone. And why was that? After all, it is my name. Why shouldn’t I expect someone to get it right if I just said it to them?
Nevertheless, something so small ignited a very inappropriate comment section of my social media. It was so inappropriate that others, who know me started to comment in my defense because the other poster had been offended that I disagreed with her on the matter and said I was rude when in fact many others found the opposite to be the truth. The post went from a minor disagreement to this person discussing my history of suffering from depression and mental health issues on my page on an open and very public forum. It evolved into threatening remarks to disclose information about my personal life as a teen and young adult to an attack on anyone who dares call the poster out for their behavior. To prevent the conversation between the poster and those who wanted to protect me from going any further I deleted the entire post.
I’m sharing this story not to bash the other person in any way and I am leaving out many details because it is not my intention to make the reader of this blog dislike the other person. Sharing this story is not about the other person, but in how we react to our tests. The old me would have thought, well if she wants to air out my dirty laundry, let’s play hardball. But I felt nothing, but calm and peace. For a person to want to out me for having felt suicidal or to say that my family, who is always there for me has not been through my depression, they have to be hurting. A year ago I would have wanted to hurt them back and would have used my tongue as a weapon. But what would that have solved? The old me would have laid up thinking about how many more mean things I could have said back.
It was in those moments of pure peace even while reading negativity that I realized I was truly in a beautiful place. After the public debacle, she continued to say hurtful things privately, but I didn’t feel hurt or sad. The only thing I could think of to say was not something nasty, but instead “I wish you a life of love, happiness, and abundance” because I do wish her those things. I’m very happy with who I have become. Hurt people say hurtful things. Sometimes they do it in inappropriate places.
Mental health and depression is a serious issue. Many people die and have died from depression.
grace the cover of a magazine, but whose families will never forget them.
This year alone we have lost a number of talented celebrities, and numerous people whose names will never
Real friends will never throw friendship in your face or remind you that they were there for you. They won’t give you backhanded compliments or make you feel uneasy. I had stepped away from this particular friendship a while back for a number of reasons. Being away made me feel genuinely happier. I didn’t feel like I was being judged by someone I loved who supposedly loved me back. I was no longer trying to figure out if things that were said to me were kind or kind of rude. A real friend would never jump on a public forum and throw your past in your face because you didn’t agree, nor would they threaten to expose your issues and depression. The funny thing is I have been very open with mine and not hidden it because it is my goal to help at least one person overcome this terrible illness and feeling.
No one gets to throw your past at you. You don’t own your time to anyone who makes you feel uneasy. While I cannot advocate simply throwing people out of your life, I can say that time changes things. If someone really makes you feel unhappy, like any relationship, you get to break up with them. Your sanity and inner peace matter. What I learned from this is that you are energy and if you feed into negativity, it will haunt you, but if you let it go, it cannot hurt you.
Do I have a past? Yes. Has it always been pretty? No. Have I always been a perfect Polly and never said a mean hurtful thing in my life? Of course not! But has my life taught me very important lessons about myself both past and present, as well as who I aspire to become? Yes!
You are not your past. No one can share your story but you. No one knows it like you do. We are all walking our own paths. We all have our own lessons to learn. Depression is hard, and it is not easy to overcome for many people. This is the first time since I was a preteen that I can say I have a true handle on my emotions and thankfully I have been able to do it without medication. The changes I made to my external life have made vast changes on who I am internally.
Never allow anyone to try to steal your joy or your peace. Remember you are 100% in control of everything that you feel and everything you think other people are making you feel. The very minute you stop giving someone the power to hurt you, they stop hurting you. You cannot change someone else and you can’t stop them from feeling their own pain and aiming it at you, but you can stop yourself from feeling pain, by choosing to be joyful. Accept your flaws and forgive yourself. And then forgive those who try to hurt you because forgiveness is for you, not them.